Mixed Jokes

A woman walked into a bait and tackle shop to find a blind man serving behind the cash desk. She asked for a fishing line for her husband. But taking advantage of the blind man's disability, craftily slipped a 70- dollar reel into her bag. The blind man was just starting to ring up her purchase when the phone rang. It was the store manager who had positioned himself behind a one-way mirror at the back counter.
     The manager whispered into the phone: "The lady whose purchase you are ringing up just put a 70-dollar reel into her bag. Don't make a big deal about it, but just make sure you charge her for it."
     The blind man put down the phone and told the woman: "That will be 4 dollars 50 for the line and 70 dollars for the reel."
     The woman was so embarrassed at being caught out that she passed wind loudly.
     The blind man continued: "And that will be 2 dollars and 50 more for the Duck Call and a dollar for the Musk Scent!"

A young reporter was covering a story about an escapee from a mental asylum. To accompany the story, he sent in this headline: WOMAN RAPED, MENTAL PATIENT ESCAPES. But the editor asked for something snapper. So the reporter put this headline instead: NUT SCREWS AND BOLTS.

A young man went to a lake for a swim but when he got there, he realized he had forgotten his swimming trunks. Since there was nobody around, he decided to jump in naked. An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching. He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at him, he felt decidedly awkward.
One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I beat I can read yours."
The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking, do you?"
"Yes," she said, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

A farmer was sitting in a bar one afternoon, getting slowly drunk. A man came over to talk to him.
    "You look down," said the man. "It's a beautiful day. How can you be miserable on a day like this?"
    The farmer mumbled: "Some things you can't just explain."
    "Come on, tell me about it," said the man. "It might help you to talk to someone."
    "If you really want to know," said the farmer, "I was sitting in the barn this morning milking my cow and I'd just got the bucket full when she kicked it over with her left leg."
    "Is that all? It's not exactly the end of the world."
    "Some things you just can't explain," mumbled the farmer.
    "So what did you do?"
    "I took her left leg and tied it to a post on the left with some rope. Then I carried on milking. And just as I'd got the bucket full again, she kicked it over with her right leg."
    "I can see that would be annoying."
    The farmer mumbled: "Some things you just can't explain."
    "So what did you do next?"
    I tied her leg to the post on the right and carried on milking. And just as the bucket was filling up, she knocked it over with her tail."
    "You must have been angry by now."
    "Some things you just can't explain," mumbled the farmer.
    "What did you do?"
    "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

A Scotsman on a visit to Chicago was attending his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring "run, run." So when the next batter made a good hit, the Scotsman joined in the shout of "run, run." Keen to show how quickly he had picked up the rules of the game, the Scotsman rose to his feet when the third batter slammed a hit and led the chorus of "run, run." The next batter held his swing at three and two, and as the umpired called a walk, the Scotsman stood up alone and yelled "run, run." As everybody around him began to snigger, the Scotsman sat down in embarrassment, totally confused.
The person in the next seat leaned over and explained: "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
The Scotsman immediately stood up and shouted: "Walk with pride, man!"

Two burglars were robbing an apartment block when they heard the sound of police car sirens.
"Quick! Jump!" said one.
"But we're on the thirteenth floor," protested his accomplice.
The first burglar said: "This is no time to be superstitious!"

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up. So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight. Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard.
Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt which helped her on the bus.
She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."
The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

A speaker was about to address a public meeting when he realized that he had left his false teeth at home. He shuffled around anxiously for a few moments before informing the lady who was chairing the meeting that he would be unable to give his speech because he had forgotten his false teeth.
His predicament was overheard by a man in the front row of the audience who immediately produced a pair of false teeth from his pocket and said: "Why don't you try these?"
The speaker put the set of false teeth in his mouth but they were too tight.
"By chance, I have another pair," said the man. "Try these."
The speaker put the second set of teeth in his mouth but they were too loose. "It's no good," he said. "I'll have to pull out."
"Wait, " said the man. "It so happens that I have one more pair of false teeth in my pocket. Try these."
The speaker did, and they fitted perfectly. "Well, thank you," he said, "I've been looking for a good dentist."
"I'm not a dentist," said the man. "I'm an undertaker."

The wife was livid when her husband refused to go shopping with her. "For goodness sake," she cried, "the neighbors will soon be talking about us like they did with poor Mr and Mrs. Herman along the road. The only time they went out together was when their gas stove exploded!"

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Ontario, phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the phone on the other end. "No. Toilet pepper!"