Miscellaneous Jokes

A woman had a dog which snored loudly in its sleep. Seeking a remedy, she consulted a vet who suggested trying ribbon to the dog's testicles. So that evening, she tied a red ribbon to the dog's balls, and it worked. The dog didn't snore at all. An hour later, her husband rolled in drunk and started snoring loudly. Interested to know whether the ribbon treatment would work for humans, she tied a blue ribbon to her husband's testicles while he was asleep. The husband immediately stopped snoring.

The husband woke up in the morning, feeling decidedly hung over. He lurched into the bathroom and saw his reflection in the mirror, ribbon and all. Then he noticed that the dog was also sporting a ribbon. He turned to the dog and said: "I don't remember what happened last night , boy, but wherever you and I were, we won first and second price."

At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa - virgin territory; from 18 to 30, she's like Asia - hot and exotic; from 30 to 45, she's like America - fully explored and free with resources; from 45 to 55, she's like Europe - exhausted, but not without places of interest; from 55 onwards, she's like Australia - everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.

Several weeks after being hired, the young man was called into the personnel manager's office. "When you applied for this job, you said you had a degree of English language from Cambridge plus five years experience in this line of work. Now we discover that you have absolutely no qualifications and that this is your first job of any kind. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Well, your ad said you wanted somebody with imagination!"

The CIA were holding interviews for the job of assassin. They were looking for someone who was utterly ruthless and had narrowed the field down to three candidates - two men and a woman. The first applicant was handed a gun and told: "In that room your wife is sitting in a chair. You must go in and shoot her." The man said: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I love my wife." He knew he had blown his chance of getting the job.

The second applicant was also handed a gun and told: "In that room your wife is sitting in a chair. You must go in and shoot her in cold blood." The man looked horrified. "No way. I'm not gunning down my own wife. I love her as much as she loves me." And with that he walked out.

Finally it was the turn of the woman candidate. She too was handed a gun and told: "In that room your husband is sitting in a chair. You must go in and shoot him."

Without protest, the woman opened the door and went into the room. From outside, the CIA officials heard gunfire, followed by screams and a lot of banging. Eventually the woman reappeared. "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she complained. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A drunk was staggering along the road when he saw a woman walking a young child. "Lady," said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen in my life. God, that child is ugly!"
As the drunk wandered off, the woman burst into tears. A mailman went to her rescue.
"There, there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Have this tissue to dry your eyes. And here's a banana for the chimp."