Kids' and Teenage Jokes

       I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail." Amen.

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    A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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    The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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    A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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A boy went to visit his mother in the hospital and to see his new baby brother. While there, he slipped into an adjoining ward and started talking to a woman with her leg in traction.
"How long have you been here?" he asked.
"Six weeks," she replied.
"Can I see your baby?"
"I haven't got a baby."
"Gee, you're slow. My mum's only been here two days but she's got one!"

A boy wandered into a pet store and asked for a quarter's worth of bird seed. The store assistant smiled at this odd request and asked: "How many birds do you have?"
"None yet," said the boy, "but I'm hoping to grow some."

A little girl was attending a church service with her mother when she started to complain that she was feeling unwell.
"I think I need to throw up," said the girl.
"Well, go outside," said the mother, "and use the bushes by the front door of the church."
The little girl went off but was back less than a minute later.
"That was quick," said the mother. "Did you throw up?"
"Yes, but I didn't need to go outside," replied the little girl. I used a box near the door that says "For the sick".

A boy began dating a pretty Christian Fundamentalist and was keen to find out more about her religion. So he went to see the church leader.
"Tell me," said the boy, "does your religion allow me to drink coffee?"
"No," replied the elder. "Coffee beans are treated to enhance their flavor, so we do not consider coffee to be completely natural. We will not permit anything that is not natural."
"What about tea?"
"Tea is fine."
The boy had more questions. "What is your view on dancing?"
"We do not permit dancing," replied the elder. "It is unnatural."
"What about sex?"
"Yes, sex is permissible as long as it is between two people who are married."
"What about kinky sex?"
"It depends on what you mean by kinky sex."
"Well," said the boy, "I was thinking of different positions, like standing up."
"No," replied the elder, "it could lead to dancing."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.."Da..ad.."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da..aaad, I'm THIRSTY! Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later.....Daa..aad.."
"What??!!"
"When you come in and spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

A kid in a spelling bee was asked to spell Mississippi. "Which,"he said, "the state or the river?"

A girl persuaded her boyfriend to take her to a restaurant. But the boy was not used to eating out and didn't know what to order from the menu.
"Why don't you have what I choose?" she suggested.
"What, and leave you hungry? No, I couldn't do that."