Elderly Jokes

A State Trooper pulled a car over on a quiet country road and walked up to the driver who was an elderly lady. "Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "but is there any explanation for your erratic driving? You were swerving all over the road."
"Thank goodness you're here, officer," she said. "I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree. So I swerved to the right and there was another tree. It was the most terrifying experience."
Calmly the officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror and said: "Ma'am, there was no tree. It was your air freshener."

An old man was driving on a freeway when his car phone rang. It was his wife. "Henry," she cried, "I just heard on the news that there's a car going on the wrong way on 280. Please be careful."
"Hell," exclaimed Henry. "It's not just once car. It's hundred of them!"

A juggler was driving to a show when he was stopped by a traffic cop. The cop peered inside the car, looked at the back seat and demanded to know; "What are matches and lighter doing in your car?"
"I'm a juggler," replied the driver.
"Oh yeah?" said the cop suspiciously. "Let's see you prove it."
So the driver collected his props and began juggling three blazing torches at the roadside. Just then an elderly couple drove by. The husband turned to his wife and said: "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

An elderly couple died within days of each other and were shown round heaven by St. Peter. It was a fabulous place - permanent sunshine, swimming pools, bars, and tennis court.
"Heck, Elaine," hissed the husband, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all them fancy low-fat diet."

An old woman from the country was visiting the big city for the first time in her life. She checked in at a smart hotel and let the bellboy take her bags. She followed him but as the door closed, her face fell.
"Young man," she said angrily, "I may be old and straight from the hill, but I ain't stupid. I paid good money and this room won't do at all. It's way short of what I expected. It's too small and there's no ventilation. Why, there's not even a bed!"
"Ma'am," replied the bellboy, "this isn't your room. It's the elevator!"

A elderly widow and a widower had been dating for five years. He finally asked her to marry him and she immediately said "yes". But the next morning he couldn't remember what her answer had been. In desperation, he decided to call her.
"This is really embarrassing," he began, "but when I asked you to marry me yesterday, well, this morning I just couldn't remember what your answer was."
"Oh, I'm so glad you called," she said, "I remember saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was!"

Three old men were in the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asked the first old man: "What is two times two?"
"194," came the reply.
The doctor turned to the second man, "What is two times two?"
"Thursday," replied the second old man.
Finally the doctor addressed the third old man, "What is two times two?"
"Four," came the answer.
"That's great," said the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," said the third old man. "I subtracted 194 from Thursday."

An elderly couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were young."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the check and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"