Animals Jokes

An old rooster had ruled the farm for years but just lately he hadn't been performing to standard. Fewer checks were being born that ever before. So the farmer decided that the bird was past his best and bought a strutting young rooster to replace him. "That should keep the hens happy, "announced the farmer as he introduced the handsome newcomer.

The old rooster was furious and was determined not to give up without a fight. So he challenged the youngster to a race of three laps of the yard.
"OK, you're on," said the young rooster. "I can out-run you any day of the week."
"If you're so confident," replied the old rooster, "you won't mind giving me a head start. After all, you legs are much younger than mine."
"No problem," crowed the young rooster. "You can have half a lap start and I'll still beat you."
The race began with the old rooster hotly pursued round the yard by his younger rival. Hearing the commotion, the farmer ran to investigate. Seeing the two roosters, he immediately picked up his rifle and shot the younger bird dead. "Damn," groaned the farmer. "That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

A woman watched a dog go into a butcher's shop.
"What's today?" asked the butcher. "Pork?"
The dog shook its head.
"Beef?"
The dog shook its head.
"Lamb chops?"
The dog wagged its tail furiously.
The butcher wrapped up two lamb chops, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following day and the woman was so intrigued she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walked up to the steps to a house, stood on his hind legs and rang the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.
The woman was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your dinner, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!" "Maybe," said the man, "but it's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

A man bought a parrot but got annoyed because it wouldn't stop swearing. So as punishment, he put the bird in the freezer. An hour later, the shivering parrot begged to be let out of the freezer. "I promise never to swear again, " it said. "I've learned my lesson. Just tell me one thing: what on earth did that turkey do?"

A burglar broke into a house and started to search for valuables. As he did so, he passed a budgie in a cage and the bird said: "I can see you and so can Jesus." The burglar paid no attention and continued ransacking the room. Again the budgie called out: "I can see you and so can Jesus." The burglar still ignored the budgie but the bird repeated: "I can see you and so can Jesus."
The burglar decided to show that he wasn't intimidated by the bird. "What are you going to do about it?" he snarled. "You're only a budgie."
"Maybe," replied the budgie, "but Jesus is a rottweiller."

What did the doe say as she came running out of the trees? - That's the last time I do that for two bucks.

A cat died and went to heaven. God said: "You've been a good cat all your life. Is there anything you desire?"
The cat replied: "I lived on a farm and always had to sleep on a hard floor, so a soft pillow would be great. The I could sleep peacefully in heaven."
God provided a sof pillow for the cat.
The following day six mice died and went to heaven. God told them: "You have good mice all your lives. Is there anything you desire?"
"Yes," they said, "We've always had to run everywhere, being chased by cats or people. We'd love a pair of roller skates each so that we can get around heaven without having to use our little legs so much."
And God provided each mouse with a pair of roller skates.
A week or so later, God thought he'd check up on the cat who was fast asleep on his new pillow. "Is everything OK?" asked God.
The cat stretched out. "I've never been happier," he said, "The pillow is so soft and comfortable and those meals on wheels you've been sending over are simply the best!"

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to inflict his superiority on his fellow beasts. So he strode over to a monkey and roared: "Who's the mightest animal in the jungle?"
"You are, Master," said the monkey, quivering.
Then the lion came across a warthog. "Who is the mightest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
"You are, Master," said the warthog, shaking with fear.
Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the mightest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, dropped him like a stone and ambled off.
"All right," shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer."