During camouflage training, a private was disguised as a tree. But he made a sudden noise which was spotted by a visiting general.
The general took him to task, "Don't you know that by yelling and jumping the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company!"
"I'm sorry, sir," replied the private. "But I can explain. You see, I stood still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I didn't move a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels run up the leg of my pants and I heard the big one say: 'Let's eat one now and save the other till winter'...that did it!"

On leaving the army, an old soldier got a white-collar job. One day he arrived at the office to find that he had been given a new young secretary. While taking dictation, she noticed that his fly was open. She wondered whether or not mention it but in the end she thought she had better say something. So she said discreetly: "Did you know your barracks door is open?"
The old man looked mystified but later realized what she had meant when he himself discovered that his zipper was open. He caught up with her in the corridor. "By the way, Miss Sanders," he said with a grin, "when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing to attention?"
"No," she replied coolly, "all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

Three Vietnam war veterans were out fishing on a lake one day when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in their boat. Not surprisingly, the three men were amazed.
The first said humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I was hit by shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Can you help me?"
"Of course, my son," said Jesus and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in more than 30 years.
The second man, who wore thick glasses, said to Jesus, "I've never been able to see properly since a mine blew up in front of me in Vietnam. Is there anything you can do to help?"
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and lobbed them into the lake. As soon as the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he was able to see perfectly for first time in more than 30 years.
Then Jesus turned to the third man who put up his arms defensively and cried: "Don't touch me - I'm on disability pension!"